When the going gets tough, stop the going!

One thing my mentor taught me early on in motherhood was this: Stop all the going.

You see, I was in a dangerous pattern of going. Going to play dates. Going to the library preschool reading time. Going shopping. Going to the park. You know what that entails as a mom. Get everyone, including yourself, dressed. Pack the diaper bag. Go through the mental checklist... Do I have the snacks? Do I have the stroller? Do I have my purse? Do I have extra changes of clothes for the kids? Do I have the diaper bag? Get in the car and drive.

Then inevitably, this is what would happen. We would arrive at our destination, slightly frazzled from all the preparation of leaving. Then came the task of expecting my kids to rise to the occasion. If it was library reading time, they needed to stay quiet. If it was a play date, they needed to share and be kind.  If it was shopping, they needed to stay close to me or in the shopping cart, and be patient while I browsed or grocery shopped. I was setting us all up for failure. My intense desire for them to do what I expected mixed with their small age and continual need to be trained, equaled disaster.

My kids would quickly get tired and start to misbehave. I would get frustrated. They would start fussing. I would get angry. I would also become keenly aware of what other people were 'thinking' about my mommy situation. And instead of properly training my children by giving them appropriate consequences, I would plead with them to stop or threaten to spank without following through. I wasn't properly training or disciplining them, and it was all in the name of 'fun' or 'me time' or 'learning time'.

We would leave the event completely exasperated and worn thin. I would yell and drive, lecturing them all the way home. They would cry. I would cry.

A total nightmare.

Then the next day, I'd do it again, expecting something different to happen. I'd tell myself, "Maybe Sarah just had a bad day yesterday." Or "Andrew is just teething. He'll be fine today."

Here is what began to happen. Over time, I noticed my kids getting more and more unruly. They learned they could get away with more disobedience when we went on our outings. Week after week, our behavior issues got worse.

That's when, by the grace of God, my mentor recognized our dangerous pattern and spoke truth to me. 'Stop' she told me. 'Training your kids consistently, in love, is more important that all that going.'

So I did. I stopped all the going.

Over time, their behavior issues disappeared. Why? Because I was home, all the time, teaching, training, and disciplining them in the way they should go, as Proverbs says. I was able to be loving and consistent. And those much needed boundaries created safety, love and order for my out of control children.

If I needed to go out, I'd run the necessary errands quickly. I'd plan for multiple errands to be run in one day so that the other days were planned 'stay home' days. On our errand day, I'd explain the rules and the consequences if the rules were broken. I would carry a wooden spoon in my purse to use for spanks, if the rules were broken. I would mentally prepare to have to step out to discipline my kids, if needed. And I focused on the task of consistently training them while we were out, as much as I did at our home.

Fast forward to now. I have 4 kids. And I homeschool them. So they are always with me. Stuff has to get done. Oil has to be changed in the car. Groceries have to be bought. And occasionally we go to the library, park or a play date. I go at the most ideal time for my children, with a list (if it's the store) and a wooden spoon, always ready to train my sweet babies. And when our schedule gets too busy, I clear the calendar and get back to the basics!

Puppies and Fire

My sweet little 5 year old Ellie has been struggling lately with controlling her mouth. She will spout off the ugliest things to the people around her, including me. Today, after multiple corrections, and without a change of heart, I finally picked up our sad spoon and walked with her to our bedroom. She was asking me if I was going to spank her, and quite honestly I had no idea what I was going to say to her. I prayed for God to give me the words to say to help her understand.

When I sat down and met her eye to eye, the word fire came to mind. I was thinking about the verse in James that addresses taming the tongue and how it spreads fire. But the Lord guided me to explain to Ellie that when she says ugly things to people, its like burning them with fire in their hearts. We discussed how being burned with real fire hurts badly and that that is exactly how she makes people feel when she uses her words in a mean way. Then I asked her how she would feel if I handed her a small puppy. Her face lit up and we talked about how she would hug it and kiss it and that it would be soft and fuzzy, warm and cuddly. I explained to her that when she says kind things to people and uses her words to build others up, it's like giving them a puppy inside their hearts. And it makes them feel loved, like hugs and kisses do from a puppy. I held her little hands gently and encouraged her to give puppies and not fire!!!

And she understood.

What a moment for me. Last night I shared with my mentor how I struggle desperately to discipline my children in love. And she warned me that my barking orders and lack of love would create an attitude of rebellion. I could already see it happening. She encouraged me to 1)stop! and then 2)ask God for total and complete guidance and wisdom each and every time I respond to my children.

Today was day 1.

And I praise God for this moment with Ellie. Jesus was right next to me, telling me what to say, what to do, how to respond in love. I did what He said. And Ellie was trained in love. I was trained in love too.

Hard working

 

 

When Sarah was 5 and Andrew 2, Bryan and I took our kids to my mentor's house. She and her husband were moving fire wood from their shed to their house for the winter season. We showed up around 8 am and together the six of us carried wood for 2 hours. Yes, even my 5 and 2 year old carried the wood. Afterwards, Louise made lunch for us and we celebrated the completion of a hard days work!

I learned something really amazing that day... my kids are capable of so much more than I thought. I learned that they can do pretty much anything! Recently, Eli (who was 1 at the time) helped me unload the dishwasher by putting the forks and spoons into the silverware drawer. Of course, when he was done, it looked like a 1 year old did the work! But I praised the snot out of him for being such a helper and hard worker. My four year old regularly does the dishes with me - and she does a pretty good job!

The picture above is of Sarah, Andrew, Ellie and Eli helping Daddy remove carpet padding and clean the floors in our home on Labor Day! We thought it would be fun to celebrate the holiday with a little work!!! All four kids worked most of the day doing whatever Daddy needed help with! At the end of the day, we had accomplished quite a bit! Daddy even said that he would pay them for their help!

Colossians 3:23-24 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

M.I.T.'s

My boys are pretty great kids. And having the responsibilty of raising them to grow up and become men is both exciting and overwhelming! My husband is very good at encouraging me in this area. He's always reminding me of something we learned in James Dobson's book Bringing Up Boys - that as early as 18 months they begin to dissassociate from their mamas. It's at that point, that we mamas need to begin encouraging those sweet boys down the path of manhood.

Yesterday evening Bryan was repairing a chair. With his tools strewn across the floor, Eli walked over and began exploring. At one point I looked over and little Eli and his big grown Daddy were sitting side-by-side, in total silence, digging through the tools! What a manly moment between the two of them!

I recently started calling my boys M.I.T.'s - men in training...

.... some pics of them doing their laundry. Although they need a little coaching, they do a great job!

The Ellie Perspective

My daughter Ellie is an amazing masterpiece of God. I love spending time with her - she's a lot like a flower, swaying in the breeze. Very carefree and very beautiful. She has such a tender heart too. Which leads me to this little story...

Yesterday, I watched her play with her babies throughout the day. Dressing them. Combing their hair. Strolling them around our home. At one point, she stopped to tell me that one was awake and one was asleep in the stroller. Occasionally I was the doctor or the helper with putting on a new baby outfit. One time I got to hold one while she was sleeping. (I can't ever remember their names!)

Anyway, yesterday evening, as I was cooking dinner, Ellie strolled through the kitchen and announced that she was teaching her babies a Bible verse. "Which one are they learning?" I asked curiously. "Let the little children come to me, Mark 10:14" she replied. And that was that. She strolled out of the kitchen and into the den and the reality of raising my children up in the Lord hit me again. Everything I do, good and bad, Christ centered and evil, is learned by my children. Everything. One day I will stand before the Lord and be held accountable for the seeds I sowed into their lives'. Phew. A heavy thought. But the truth.

So I praised God that my sweet Ellie was teaching her babies the Bible verse we were teaching her for the week, and not yelling at them for not picking up their toys!  I say all this with a smile on my face. And I'm incredibly thankful that God is such a God of grace, gently loving me and correcting me as I go.

Tuesday's Tool - Homeskills

I am not by nature a very organized person. If it wasn't for close friends who have equipped me with certain tools to help me declutter and become organized, I would most likely be a messy hoarder! I am not joking when I say this! (Thank you friends, you know who you are!) And so one of the challenges of having four kids is, you guessed it, organization.

When my mentor helped me get started on the path of homeschooling 4 years ago, one of the things she challenged me to do was to start Sarah off learning a homeskill a week. This varied anywhere from learning how to change the toilet paper roll, to sweeping, to cleaning mirrors, to cooking. Anything that needed to be learned and done in our home was deemed a 'homeskill.' At the time we had two kids. And so my 'not very organized' brain wasn't very intimidated by the homeskill task.

Fast forward four years.

Now we have three children more than capable of learning homeskills and one who is well on his way to that status! But with my more-than-lacking organizational skills, I have had a great deal of trouble coming up with a consistent plan as to how I can train my kids each week - and remember which homeskill I am teaching them. Now for all you organizers out there, I'm sure you've already come up with solutions for me! You're thinking "This is really simple Jamie, I can help you..." (And I appreciate that!) But recently God gave me the answer.... and I want to share it with you. It's really simple actually.

I read recently a few weeks ago in another blog, about a mother who had many children (like 8 or 9). Every week, she assigned a room to each child. The child was required to do everything that was needed to keep that room clean. When a new week started, the children rotated rooms so that everyone had the chance to learn and practice new homeskills.

What's great about this option is that all I have to remember is which child has which room. If a child has the kitchen they help me with dishes, cooking, sweeping, counter. If the den, vacuuming, dusting, toy pick-up. And so on. This has made a world of  difference for us. I am able to train and teach them as they work alongside me. No chore charts to update. Very little reminding. No memorizing who has what homeskill(s). It's a great way to organize. Plus it gives me the option to train on multiple skills or just one, depending on the age and capability of each child!

So that's my tool for the week! God's blessings on your family!

Colossians 3:23 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men..."