A High Paying Job

The other day, Andrew (my 7 year old) came into the room with .70 cents in his hand.

'Here Mom. This is for you. I wanted to pay you for being such a great mom.'

I stood there a little dumbfounded with a massive toothy smile on my face. I accepted the payment, gave Andrew a big, long snuggly hug and thanked him for being so thoughtful. He left the room and I stared at the coins in my hand. A 70 cent gift had become absolutely priceless.

Motherhood hasn't been an easy journey for me. Having 4 kids (and 2 miscarriages) in a span of 10 years, nursing, post partum depression, constant sleep deprivation, and anger issues are just a few of the mountains I've traversed. Not to mention my Type A perfectionism that God has pried away from my heart (which is still an ongoing process :)) On top of all that, I am a selfish, prideful sinner, which, you know, just really complicates things!

But God. He has walked with me through every single moment, giving me the grace to get through and the energy to press on. Giving me just the right Scripture verse in those few tiny moments that I have to crack open my Bible. Gently reminding me that He doesn't expect perfection, just growth. Shining a spot light on my selfishness and pride and forgiving me when I run to Him in shame and brokeness. Teaching me how to love, and giving me a passion for my family. And this is only the beginning of a long list of amazing things God has done in my life over the last years.

Andrew's payment for being a good mom was also a gift from God and a reminder that my Father can create something beautiful out of something really ugly and broken and very undeserving.

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,

because the Lord has anointed me

to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,^a
2to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.     Isaiah 61:1-3

A Decade of Motherhood

I've done a lot of difficult and challenging things, but by far, motherhood is the most difficult journey I've embarked upon. Growing up, my own mom was not a nurturing soul. So I learned to live without a whole lot of hugs and kisses or one-on-one time with my mom. (I never went shopping with my mom. Infact I went prom dress shopping with my dad.)  As I got older, she wasn't very involved in my life.

So when I stepped into motherhood with my first daughter, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to be a mom, how to be selfless, how to love in a nurturing way. I was terrified. And me being a type-A personality, over achiever, control-freak, I was bound and determined to figure this whole mommy thing out. Three months into being a new mom, I was neck deep in major breast feeding problems, a baby who cried all the time, and really severe post partum depression. I was falling apart. People gave well-meaninged advice, but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even sift through it to figure out what to try. That is when God began teaching me dependence on Him.

Fast forward 10 years. (Yes, my daughter is 10 now!) I still struggle. I still fail. People still offer advice.  Everything about motherhood still challenges me. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I run to Jesus with my sin, my desperation, my emptiness that I need Him to fill, my utter brokeness over feeling that I really can't do the task He's put before me. Crying out to Him to sustain me, energize me, help me to respond to my babies in love. Begging for the wisdom to know how to advise my children. Praying that He'll use my 'blow-its' to shape my children to be more like Jesus.

You know, I don't like feeling weak all the time. I told God this recently. And He said bluntly "In your weakness, my power is made perfect."

Do you know what I've learned in 10 years of being a mom?

*That 2 Corinthians 12:9 is really true. That God's grace is sufficient for every task and circumstance He puts before me.
*To not run from or give up because of weakness. His power is made perfect in weakness.
*To bring everything to Him. 1 Peter 5:7
*That He's already forgiven my failures, but it's healing heart therapy when I sit and confess it to Him. 1 John 1:9
*To spend time in the Word whenever I can, but if I can't, He will sustain me. Matthew 6:33
*That He loves my children more than I do and has a great plan for their lives. Jeremiah 29:11
*And to camp out on Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know."

I look back and I see where my lack of having a 'mom' as an example to follow, has been the forcing factor to keeping my eyes peeled onto my Father. God's plan was perfect even in that: in her imperfections, He was shaping me. Oh the sovereignty of our Creator and Daddy!

I love my Mom. I'm not giving her the credit due her for all the years she gave to my sister and me. Our relationship is better than it's ever been and I'm so thankful for her...

I love you Mom!

Summer Highlights...Andrew's Baptism

Andrew asked Jesus to live in his heart on July 16th. So this Sunday he showed everyone what he had done through baptism! Bryan had the awesome opportunity to baptize Andrew!

After the baptism was over, Bryan and Andrew walked back up the stairs. As he was about to turn the corner, Bryan turned around and looked at me.  For a brief moment we locked eyes and smiled. I knew what he was saying to me (because it was what I was saying to him) "I love living this life with you."
Friends, I just want to say that I love my family so so much. Of course most people would say that. Here's the thing. I am overwhelmed by all that God has blessed me with. My life is rich. I am not referring to financial wealth, but the richness that only comes from God's great love for us -his wisdom, His provision, His grace, His blessings of children, His ability to turn a broken marriage into a masterpiece. If you know my story, you know that there was a time when I couldn't say that, when I wrestled with the direction that God was leading us, when I thought that God didn't have our best in mind. The heartache of a miscarried baby. The difficulty of a ministry experience turned sour. Joblessness. The unexpected move to Texas, leaving all that we knew and loved. Getting pregnant for a fourth time, unexpectedly, with no health insurance. Unanswered prayers. We have had our share of hardship and difficulties. Still do. But hear me on this: GOD has seen us through and provided everything we've needed for every step of the way.  Everything. Jesus said in John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." And that He has done for us.

A Question on Quiet times....

I want to talk about the subject of quiet times. (A quiet time being a time when as Christian women of God, we sit down and read the Bible, pray, journal etc...)

I remember the day when I confessed to my mentor that I didn't have a daily quiet time. I was racked with guilt because I hadn't spent deliberate time with the Lord in a number of days. At the time, I had a 3 year old and an infant. I was struggling to find time to cook a meal, wash the clothes, do the dishes. I was sleep deprived and completely exhausted. When I would sit down with the Lord, I struggled to even pay attention to what the Bible was saying. And when I would begin praying, I would fall asleep! I was feeling so guilty over the issue, that many days I was afraid to appoach the throne of grace with confidence.

What my precious mentor said next washed away all my guilt.

She asked me a question. "Jamie, if you knew that Sarah (who is my daughter) wanted to spend time with you, but she had a new baby and a 3 year old and was worn thin from the role of motherhood. And when she sat down with you, she struggled to make complete thoughts and sometimes fell asleep from being so tired. Would you be angry with her?

No, I replied.

Well in the same way, God knows that this is a season He has placed you in. Don't beat yourself up. He understands. He loves you. Do the best you can do. Hang Bible verses at those places where you stand the most (the sink, the stove, the washing machine, your car, your office desk...) and mediate on those verses while you're there. Talk to God about everything. Keep your Bible open on the counter and when you have a few minutes, read a verse or two.

She then pointed me to Isaiah 40:11 which says "He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young."
Hear that? HE GENTLY LEADS THOSE THAT HAVE YOUNG.

That's us moms who have little ones that require tons and tons of TLC. God gently leads us. In other words, He makes Himself easy to find. In other words, when we pick up our Bibles, we don't have to search high and low to find a verse that speaks to our hearts! He is right there in a fingers reach, waiting to put oil in our lamps.

After that, the guilt was gone. I did as she said, hanging scripture everywhere. I tried with all my heart to spend time in the word, but inevitably it would be interrupted by one of my kids. But that was OK, because the little that I seemingly got from the Word was profound and heart changing most days. And I was amazed at the ease of meeting with my Father while living out the roles He had called me to.

I have 4 kids nine and under, so quiet times, for the most part, are something that I get when I'm driving in the car by myself! As a mom, there really isn't a sacred time. Even showers and bathroom breaks are interrupted by little ones. So I try my very best and I challenge you to do the same! And I leave you with Hebrews 4:16...
"Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."

Stuck on bread... a lesson of grace.

I've been camping out in Matthew 16:5-12, the story of when Jesus teaches the disciples about the Pharisees and Sadducees. If you're not familiar with this story, let me recap it for you...!

The scene: Jesus has just fed the 4,000 people with 7 loaves and 3 small fish. Seven large baskets of bread were left over. Then Jesus gets in a boat and travels to the region of Magadan where he faces questioning from the Pharisees and Sadducees. (These religious men were testing Jesus, much like Satan tested Jesus in the desert. They wanted him to perform a sign to prove himself God.) 16:1-4. Scripture says that "He left them and went away." In the next scene, we see the disciples going to the other side of the sea. Don't miss this next sentence: ...but they had forgotten to bring any bread. (5)

We are talking about the 7 baskets full of leftovers they had cleaned up after the gigantic luncheon! Apparently it was their job to bring the bread, their responsibility, their small duty for the day - and they had forgotten to bring any bread... oops! Big mistake right? I mean, what will they eat for dinner tonight? They were supposed to be in charge of the dinner and they've blown it.

I'm imagining they were carrying 7 baskets full of guilt at this moment!

So Jesus immediately begins discussing bread, warning them against the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees - how a little leaven works through the whole batch of bread.

But the disciples are filtering everything through their bread mishap and not hearing the spiritual warning lesson. I love their response in verse 7; you can almost hear their whispers "He said that because we did not bring any bread." Ha! In other words, He's talking about bread because He knows our great mistake and He's not happy with us.

Jesus hits the reset button. "You men of little faith, why do you discuss among yourselves that you have no bread? Do you not yet understand or remember the five loaves of the five thousand, and how many baskets full you picked up? Or the seven loaves of the four thousand, and how many large baskets full you picked up? How is it that you do not understand that I did not speak to you concerning bread? But beware of the leaven of the Pharisees and Sadducees." (8-11)

Don't miss this. 1.The disciples are caught up in the weight of their mistake and they're not hearing Jesus' important warning. 2. He isn't phased by the forgotten bread. He's God. And He proves His point when he tells them to let go of their mistake and focus on the important stuff. The stuff that will protect them from fanatically dangerous religious leaders.

I love that Jesus goes one step further to put their minds at ease when He reminds them that He fed thousands of people on a few loaves of bread. He's saying, "I've got dinner covered, so relax and focus on this important lesson that I have for you."

OK so how do we apply all this to our own relationships with Jesus? I got to thinking about all the mistakes that I make in a day.  I forget our tithe check. I say something that hurts my child. I don't return a phone call when I say I will. I burn dinner. All the "oops" and "I forgots" and "I'm so sorrys" that happen in a day's time can drown out my perspective of God's grace. They seem to plug up my ears, making it difficult to hear God's voice. And they fog my brain, making it hard to tell myself the truth. And the weight of carrying large baskets of guilt gets heavier and heavier. Pretty soon I am no longer focused on Jesus, but on myself and all the things that I could have done better.

Oh how this passage shows us that Jesus isn't moved by our mistakes. When we 'forget the bread', so to speak, He says, forget about the bread and fix your eyes on the Bread of Life! And when our bread baskets are full of guilt, He says "Cast your burdens on me because I care for you!" (1Peter 5:7) Jesus knows we are mistake makers! Isn't that wonderful?! Our mistakes will never derail our Creator. So we shouldn't get derailed either!