A Lonely Heart

This past week I was cleaning out my bedside table. I came across a journal from 12/30/2008 - 9/05/2009. I was super curious to see what I had written... (I love reading my old journals because I usually can't remember what I wrote and so it seems like I'm reading someone else's journal!). Anyway, to recap that time in my life, we had just spent our first Christmas in Texas after leaving North Carolina on, what we thought, was a short term work situation for my husband. Over those 9  months, God did some amazing things for us. We sold our home in a downed housing market in barely 4 weeks and simultaneously found a nice, reasonably priced rental home in a great neighborhood. But we were also really praying for friendships because we had just left all our wonderful NC friends and family, and we were really lonely.

6/5/2009
Bryan and I talked last night and we agreed that we feel alone - no friends. We wondered if its alot like what missionaries feel like.  I catch myself searching for something to do. I also catch myself desiring to fill the lonliness - with shopping, TV, a new hobby. I know that God fills the void - He is sufficient for all my needs. And maybe that is what He is showing us.

6/25
It has been tough - emotionally - being here. I miss Louise (my mentor) so much - miss our coffee together, being able to unload. I miss going to Sarah's (my best friend) house and just chatting. I took a walk yesterday and had to tell myself "Jesus, you are my best friend." And then I'd picture Him right next to me, walking.  And I talked to Him.

6/26
Jesus, I know you are all I need. Thank you for giving me the Holy Spirit - HELP ME communicate with you.  Even if I don't do it well, just to know that you will interpret for me. Help me be a loving momma and wife. Help me die to myself. I struggle with that so much.

6/28
...God has plummeted me to a period in my life that couldn't be more characteristic of lonliness. Lonlieness - having no friends here who challenge, inspire, rebuke, encourage. ...

What followed after was many many months of a sheer, painful valley of lonliness. I struggled to understand how something so painful like leaving everything we knew and loved, could possibly be good for us. I desperately longed for someone to relate too. And although there were a few people that God brought into our lives, it was usually just for short periods of time.

Now fast forward to January 18, 2013. I'm cleaning out the bedside table and I find the journal. I opened the notebook and quickly began to read it, excited to see what words I'd penned.  As I turned the pages I began to cry. I remembered the lonliness. BUT. That is a really big but (bahahaha). Seriously it is. Today as I write this blog I can say that all the longing for friendships has been taken care of. And not through people. Sure we have some great friends here, ones we love dearly, and who love us. But that lonliness was filled long before the friendships came. My lonliness was the thing that my Father used to draw me to Him, to find hope and peace in Him, to find refuge in Him. It made me search Him out and constantly seek His companionship. It was the driving force to my spiritual growth in Jesus. After I read through the pages I rejoiced! It was as if I was standing with Jesus on a small hill looking down into that dark valley. It was as if Jesus was saying "All that pain had a purpose! By my grace, I allowed it - because it was best for you! You and I are so much closer now because of the pain and heartache. Do you see who you were then and who you are now? Look how much more like me you've become."

I can't describe to you the joy in my heart. It was the first time He'd ever shown me the fruit of longsuffering in my own life. I felt so close to the God who saved me and who is constantly changing me and molding my sinful heart into a heart like Jesus'.

1 Peter 5:10 says "After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you." NASB

A Decade of Motherhood

I've done a lot of difficult and challenging things, but by far, motherhood is the most difficult journey I've embarked upon. Growing up, my own mom was not a nurturing soul. So I learned to live without a whole lot of hugs and kisses or one-on-one time with my mom. (I never went shopping with my mom. Infact I went prom dress shopping with my dad.)  As I got older, she wasn't very involved in my life.

So when I stepped into motherhood with my first daughter, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to be a mom, how to be selfless, how to love in a nurturing way. I was terrified. And me being a type-A personality, over achiever, control-freak, I was bound and determined to figure this whole mommy thing out. Three months into being a new mom, I was neck deep in major breast feeding problems, a baby who cried all the time, and really severe post partum depression. I was falling apart. People gave well-meaninged advice, but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even sift through it to figure out what to try. That is when God began teaching me dependence on Him.

Fast forward 10 years. (Yes, my daughter is 10 now!) I still struggle. I still fail. People still offer advice.  Everything about motherhood still challenges me. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I run to Jesus with my sin, my desperation, my emptiness that I need Him to fill, my utter brokeness over feeling that I really can't do the task He's put before me. Crying out to Him to sustain me, energize me, help me to respond to my babies in love. Begging for the wisdom to know how to advise my children. Praying that He'll use my 'blow-its' to shape my children to be more like Jesus.

You know, I don't like feeling weak all the time. I told God this recently. And He said bluntly "In your weakness, my power is made perfect."

Do you know what I've learned in 10 years of being a mom?

*That 2 Corinthians 12:9 is really true. That God's grace is sufficient for every task and circumstance He puts before me.
*To not run from or give up because of weakness. His power is made perfect in weakness.
*To bring everything to Him. 1 Peter 5:7
*That He's already forgiven my failures, but it's healing heart therapy when I sit and confess it to Him. 1 John 1:9
*To spend time in the Word whenever I can, but if I can't, He will sustain me. Matthew 6:33
*That He loves my children more than I do and has a great plan for their lives. Jeremiah 29:11
*And to camp out on Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know."

I look back and I see where my lack of having a 'mom' as an example to follow, has been the forcing factor to keeping my eyes peeled onto my Father. God's plan was perfect even in that: in her imperfections, He was shaping me. Oh the sovereignty of our Creator and Daddy!

I love my Mom. I'm not giving her the credit due her for all the years she gave to my sister and me. Our relationship is better than it's ever been and I'm so thankful for her...

I love you Mom!

Summer Highlights...Andrew's Baptism

Andrew asked Jesus to live in his heart on July 16th. So this Sunday he showed everyone what he had done through baptism! Bryan had the awesome opportunity to baptize Andrew!

After the baptism was over, Bryan and Andrew walked back up the stairs. As he was about to turn the corner, Bryan turned around and looked at me.  For a brief moment we locked eyes and smiled. I knew what he was saying to me (because it was what I was saying to him) "I love living this life with you."
Friends, I just want to say that I love my family so so much. Of course most people would say that. Here's the thing. I am overwhelmed by all that God has blessed me with. My life is rich. I am not referring to financial wealth, but the richness that only comes from God's great love for us -his wisdom, His provision, His grace, His blessings of children, His ability to turn a broken marriage into a masterpiece. If you know my story, you know that there was a time when I couldn't say that, when I wrestled with the direction that God was leading us, when I thought that God didn't have our best in mind. The heartache of a miscarried baby. The difficulty of a ministry experience turned sour. Joblessness. The unexpected move to Texas, leaving all that we knew and loved. Getting pregnant for a fourth time, unexpectedly, with no health insurance. Unanswered prayers. We have had our share of hardship and difficulties. Still do. But hear me on this: GOD has seen us through and provided everything we've needed for every step of the way.  Everything. Jesus said in John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." And that He has done for us.

Ellie Art

Every day during homeschool, when Sarah and Andrew are hard at work, my sweet little Ellie draws. On construction paper, in coloring books, on notebook paper and on our dry erase board. It's what she does to pass the time and it has become part of her school. Recently, I watched her draw picture after picture of 2 happy people with a rainbow in between them. Finally she finished drawing, grabbed a target bag and packed them inside. Later during AWANA, I saw her passing them out to little friends and teachers! It was totally unprompted and it blessed my heart greatly! Here is one of her newest pictures.....

Airplane and train

These are the pictures she passed out to her friends.

Ellie made the crown that I'm wearing on my head! It says 'I LOVE YOU MOM'!
I've been wearing it all week (because hey, we can celebrate Mother's Day a few days early!)
She asked me if I'd wear it to church on Sunday, to which I replied "Absolutely!"

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

SARAH'S FIRST GAME!!!! GO SPARKS!!!

Sarah was so excited about her first game!

Up to bat...

First hit!!!! The girls have 3 chances to hit a normal pitch from coach.
If they miss all 3 times, they bat from a tee.

Sarah waiting on 3rd!

RUUUUNNNN Sarah! A point scored for the Sparks!

Playing first base... Sarah threw out 2 girls!

The first tournament win for the Sparks! Good game, good game...
Later Sarah told me "Mom, do you know how hard it is to say 'good game' to
each girl as they're passing by?"

The Sparks won the single elimination tourny that day!

ANDREW'S FIRST GAME!!!! GO REDSOX!!!!

What a handsome little man!

Team pictures...That's Andrew peeping his head out and smiling at us
(to the left of the guy in the tan shorts)

Warming up...

Practicing fielding the ball before the game.

Playing outfield!

The Red Sox lost their first game by one point. But Andrew had a blast!

The highlight for him was putting on the gear for catcher!

As far as Ellie and Eli go...they had so much fun watching Sarah and Andrew, but by mid-day they were 'put a fork in me mom, I am done!' Here are some sweet pics of them...

Eli hamin it up for the camera! He says 'CCHEEESSEEE'
and smiles now when we take his picture!

Sweet Ellie-boo... She was so cold when I took this pic!

Tuesday's Tool - Happy Happy Joy Joy

So I know it's Thursday and I'm just now posting Tuesday's Tool. I couldn't wait until next week to post this. I was reading my daughter's devotional book this morning and I was struck by the simplicity in this author's definition of the difference between happiness and joy.

this came out of the children's devotional book Jesus Calling by Sarah Young...

"Happiness depends on this world, on what is going on around you. Happiness is when you ace the test, or make the winning shot, or you're headed for a vacation at the beach with your best friend. It depends on everything being just right. Happiness is wonderful, but it lasts only a little while.

But Joy--true Joy--is something entirely different. Joy doesn't depend on this world, or whether you're having a good day; it depends on Me. Joy is knowing that I am in control, that I love you and will take care of you - evenwhen you flunk the test, or make the last out, or your family can't afford a vacation. Stay close to Me, and I'll give you My Joy in every situation."

Romans 12:2 says "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (NIV)
How about the New Living Translation version of this verse: "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying."

Isn't it so good that God doesn't expect us to be happy all the time? Instead His expectation of us is that we will be "joyful in hope" and that we would "be joyful always..." (1 Thess. 5:16) . You might be thinking "that's a tall order in my life right now, Jamie." By no means am I trying to water down anyone's difficult circumstances... I do want to point to the fact that we can be joyful always because our faith is rooted in God - who is Magnificient, Mighty to Save, All Powerful, All Knowing, Creator, Savior and Redeemer, Giver of Life, Holy of Holies, The One True God, King of kings and Lord of lords, our Defender, Full of Mercy and Grace, a Just Judge, our Shelter, our Shepherd, our Teacher, our Helper, Love in it's fullest and our hope is in Him!