Monday, September 10, 2012

A Decade of Motherhood

I've done a lot of difficult and challenging things, but by far, motherhood is the most difficult journey I've embarked upon. Growing up, my own mom was not a nurturing soul. So I learned to live without a whole lot of hugs and kisses or one-on-one time with my mom. (I never went shopping with my mom. Infact I went prom dress shopping with my dad.)  As I got older, she wasn't very involved in my life.

So when I stepped into motherhood with my first daughter, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to be a mom, how to be selfless, how to love in a nurturing way. I was terrified. And me being a type-A personality, over achiever, control-freak, I was bound and determined to figure this whole mommy thing out. Three months into being a new mom, I was neck deep in major breast feeding problems, a baby who cried all the time, and really severe post partum depression. I was falling apart. People gave well-meaninged advice, but I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't even sift through it to figure out what to try. That is when God began teaching me dependence on Him.

Fast forward 10 years. (Yes, my daughter is 10 now!) I still struggle. I still fail. People still offer advice.  Everything about motherhood still challenges me. Daily, sometimes moment by moment, I run to Jesus with my sin, my desperation, my emptiness that I need Him to fill, my utter brokeness over feeling that I really can't do the task He's put before me. Crying out to Him to sustain me, energize me, help me to respond to my babies in love. Begging for the wisdom to know how to advise my children. Praying that He'll use my 'blow-its' to shape my children to be more like Jesus.

You know, I don't like feeling weak all the time. I told God this recently. And He said bluntly "In your weakness, my power is made perfect."

Do you know what I've learned in 10 years of being a mom?

*That 2 Corinthians 12:9 is really true. That God's grace is sufficient for every task and circumstance He puts before me.
*To not run from or give up because of weakness. His power is made perfect in weakness.
*To bring everything to Him. 1 Peter 5:7
*That He's already forgiven my failures, but it's healing heart therapy when I sit and confess it to Him. 1 John 1:9
*To spend time in the Word whenever I can, but if I can't, He will sustain me. Matthew 6:33
*That He loves my children more than I do and has a great plan for their lives. Jeremiah 29:11
*And to camp out on Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to me and I will show you great and mighty things which you do not know."

I look back and I see where my lack of having a 'mom' as an example to follow, has been the forcing factor to keeping my eyes peeled onto my Father. God's plan was perfect even in that: in her imperfections, He was shaping me. Oh the sovereignty of our Creator and Daddy!

I love my Mom. I'm not giving her the credit due her for all the years she gave to my sister and me. Our relationship is better than it's ever been and I'm so thankful for her...

I love you Mom!

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